Self-Love
My picture that I drew today was of a butterfly. It could also be an angel. The creature has wings. I have drawn spots on both wings. On one wing there are seven spots and on the other wing there are eight spots. I wrote: “family is important”. But then I scribbled over it because I didn’t want those words on my picture. The words made me feel uncomfortable. They made me feel ashamed, embarrassed and self-conscious. I don’t want to feel like that. I want to feel loved, cared for and very very important and the sun is coming out now and I’m writing faster and faster and I need to feel BIG, HUGE, SPECTACULAR and small again.
Because that is how I know I will grow into being the real me, who is HUGE and talented and fully aware of all that is going on around me. I am pleased to feel that I am progressing. My picture has shown that the small, seemingly insignificant things are just as important or even more important than things I have left behind in my old life.
My old life doesn’t feature now, because it has gone. Exploded! Exploded into a thousand pieces and scattered in the Universe. The Universe has absorbed these pieces and turned them into LOVE. My eyes are moist and shed the tears of a thousand heartaches, these too absorbed by the Universe and sprinkled on the ground below.
~ MEW
ComeFlywithme 
It is a beautiful feeling knowing we have grown beyond what we were before. In love and light Cheryle
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Thank you so much Cheryle for your supportive words. In love and light, Marie
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Those are some powerful words! Go forth and thrive!
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Thank you JoHanna. Your words buoy me up and are so supportive and will hopefully help others too.
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Yes I can relate very closely to that feeling of discomfort at the mere thought of the word “family”. It conjures up so many conflicting emotions. It’s so complicated and not at all black and white. I am creating a new family for me and my son which consists of people who encourage me to be my best self.
I love that you describe your old life as exploding into ‘a thousand pieces’ being absorbed and turned into love. That is indeed a reflection of your inner beauty and your ability to thrive and be compassionate despite the abuses you suffered.
I am glad I discovered your blog. thank you for sharing your voice of positivity and light.
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Dear “tellingheavysecrets” – I am glad I discovered your blog too – thank you for sharing so articulately such intimate parts of your life, which in turn heals those who have suffered as you have done. I am so glad that you “got it”! You understood what I meant about “family”. I have had many likes on this post, but I wonder if people really read and understood what I meant about family and the impact their behaviour meant to me. I am not saying all family is bad and that family relationships are to be spurned. But when you have been abused, often the family you should be able to turn to are the ones who hurt you most. I was a little daunted by sharing this post because I felt it was maybe a little too personal, but the fact that one person (you!) have picked up on this point is testament to how powerful words can be as regards healing, and although we live in a vast Universe, someone, somewhere “gets it”!
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I most certainly “get it”, family is such a loaded word for those who have unfortunately been abused and as you say it’s so complicated and not a black and white issue at all. The same parents who clothed, fed and put me through university abused me. It’s very messy!
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It’s hard to understand how the same parents who take care of you in one area, completely neglect your emotional and spiritual development. This is something that I have pondered myself. I often think of how my mother protected me when I was being battered – stepping in, to prevent me from being physcally damaged, but thought it was ok to blame me for being molested, confronted me about it and left it at that, regarding an 11 year old child as “the other woman”. Mental isn’t it? What goes on in these women’s minds? So, so messy! Let’s not think too much about this, as I don’t think we’ll ever get the answer to this enigma in this life. Let’s just try to live the best life we can now that we are in a position to do so.
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Yes I completely agree. I don’t undertand what goes through her mind? It’s unfathomable to me how she continues to send me mundane text messages about the weather and she ignores the important things. I confronted her about the abuse and she said it didn’t happen. I told her that I can’t be around them because I am not going to continue being the ‘good daughter’ and repressing the little girl in me who suffered so much in silence. It is unbeleivable!
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I think your mother truly believes it did not happen. I’ve never really understood the concept of “denial”, but I think this is a prime example. For your mother to admit that she stood by and allowed you to be abused is unfathomable to her, she would have to admit her part in this and the guilt is too much for her to bear. So, instead she chooses to say it didn’t happen in order to release from her responsibility and blame. Now that’s one side of it. The other side is, your father is the abuser, and in some ways both you and your mother are the abused – you moreso. Perhaps if your mother were to admit the abuse, she wouldn’t be able to deal with it, and so this is her way of protecting herself, and in a very strange and illogical way, protect you too. I don’t know if I’m making sense, and I’m certainly not trying to excuse your mother (or mine either), but because sexual abuse in childhood is such a despicable crime, it affects people in different ways and the logical protective behaviour that you would expect from adults seems to be reversed. Now it is your turn to protect yourself. And whatever you decide to do to protect yourself is the right thing. I hope one day, your mother will “see” the damage that has been done to you, and apologise for not protecting you when she should have.
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Thank you. I understand what you are saying. For my mother to admit that it happened would mean that she has to admit to gross neglect of her child and she has to admit that her life-long partner who she is completely dependent on is the abuser. I agree that it isn’t something she is capable of (at this time). It may be that she is never able to! My mother was given away to an aunt when she was two days old and has been bullied by my father all her life to the point that she has no voice. I am in no way excusing her but my adult side understands it. It’s the little unmothered girl who has hurt so much and can’t understand why the woman who was supposed to protect her didn’t when she needed it the most.
yes at the moment the no contact is helping me to push forward in my own healing and growth. I might feel different about it one day but that’s how it is now.
It’s strange because although she says it didn’t happen she will sometimes send messages saying “Please forgive me’. She has repressed it very deeply but there is obviously a part of her that is aware of it even if only on a subconscious level.
Thank you for your messages. I feel like you understand very deeply what I am grappling with.
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Yes of course I understand very deeply, after all I’ve been through it too! It’s taken me many many years to be able to address what happened to me and to discuss it. It was only through counselling that I “understood” about my mother’s behaviour, so that I could in turn share it with you. Understanding though, does not ease the pain of “a little un-mothered girl…” trying desperately to make sense of it all. I think you are right about the “sub-conscious level” part. Yes of course she knows full well it happened, but the protection part of it is obscuring her vision. She would fall apart if she were ever to admit gross neglect. Have pity on her – this is so sad. She has somehow found herself in a situation where she is dependant on an abusive individual and God only knows the damage they wreak. We are the same in many ways, as my mother too was abused by a very violent man (my father), and she too ended up having no voice. She was manipulated by him and scared stiff of him. Yet she could not leave him. You have to feel sorry for abused women, because they are broken women – survivors too. However, let’s not detract from the very important fact that it was you as a small child who suffered terribly and whose adult life has been coloured by that abuse. I am always here to talk about anything you want to discuss. The more we talk about it, the more we heal and find the strength to carry on. If you think, for years we carried this “secret” and the pain and shame and guilt of it. It stands to reason that now we have a voice we need to talk about it and get it all out into the open. Nobody else wants to know my pain, except other survivors and members of the counselling profession. Sad but true.
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Thank you, it is good to talk about it with someone who really understands. I know your pain and I was just saying to my counsellor yesterday that it is so hard to articulate that pain to people who haven’t suffered from that kind of abuse. Of course they understand but try explaining what it’s like when i am taken right back to when I was five and I ‘Become’ a terrified five year old girl again. I don’t want to speak or move and I want to be invisible. On the outside I look fine because I learnt how to conceal my feelings so well, but on the inside I feel so bad and I can’t make anyone understand. Its like I am five again and I want someone to notice what’s happening i.e. that my father is hurting me! And it feels like nobody cares and I am profoundly alone.
yes I have pity for my mother, she is a victim in so many ways. I know what it’s like to have an abusive husband because I am divorcing one right now. It is the hardest thing to break away. I wanted to leave so many times but it’s only after I had the courage to face my childhood that i was able to walk away.
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So much of what you say resonates with me. I could’ve written it myself. The little 5 year old girl, who doesn’t want to speak or move, become invisible …looking fine on the outside …learning to conceal feelings so well …feeling profoundly alone. Those feelings don’t seem to ever go away. Situations constantly arise to take you right back there as an adult and it is so difficult to deal with these painful emotions.
You are a strong, courageous woman who has taken the struggles and pain of childhood, and has not been completely broken. You have a voice which speaks loudly and clearly now. Show that little 5 year old that she is no longer powerless and voiceless. You have had the courage to leave an abusive marriage, so she knows that she doesn’t have to stay in situations which scare her or make her unhappy. Every time you take a bold step forward, you are allowing your inner child to see that she is no longer a victim.
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Thank you for your words! Thank you for the reminder of my strength, it’s always good to hear!!
You sound like you have dealt with and processed a lot of your feelings and are in a place of acceptance and peace. I admire that!
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Thank you! It’s been amazing sharing with you. Stay strong! 🙂
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