Tags
abuse, collusion, communication, conscience, falsehood, healing, injustice, poem, poetry, silence, taboo, taboo subject, therapy
“It is true that when we harm others, we harm ourselves; but it is just as true that when we help others, we also help ourselves.”
― Desmond Tutu, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World
Taboo or not taboo, that is the question
Whether it is nobler in the mind*
To sit and do nothing
Or to stand up for what you know to be right
To listen and not be moved to action
To watch and to turn a blind eye
Does conscience or the lack of it make fools of us all?
In colluding with a wrongful action by keeping silent
In denying truth dishonestly and claiming falsehood true
What destructive forces do we unleash?
And can we ever rein them back before it is too late?
When we look but do not see
When we turn away in disgust relentless to the end
Because we cannot, dare not comprehend
What misery are we storing up for our brothers and our sisters
And ultimately ourselves?
~mew
[*Inspired by Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”]
ComeFlywithme 
Hi Marie,
I love it. Can I use this as an example of a modern telling of an older piece?
I think it really gives good for thought.
Gary
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I’m flattered that you want to use this Gary. Of course you can use it, and I’d be pleased to know when you do. Thanks so much!
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Sure. My students are trying to find their writing voice by looking at other author’s works.
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Thank you Gary that you think so highly of my writing. That’s such a compliment!:)
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I believe everything we do not only has an effect, but also affects everyone, even those we do not know. Lovely poem, by the way.
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Thank you Kathy. I just hope Shakespeare isn’t rolling in his grave, with me pinching bits from one of his plays. 🙂
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lol I doubt it.
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ha ha ha 🙂
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It took a very dear and lifelong friend of mine almost 35 years to be “moved to action” in the sense you mean it here, Marie. He was the victim, and the silent, conscienceless witnesses maintained their disgraceful silence nonetheless. He at least had the courage to take that step, and a tiny part of him was able to reconcile his fate in life, but the others – they paid their price in stagnant and silent guilt, seemingly to carry it to their graves.
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Having been in that position myself Hariod, I feel for your friend. It wasn’t until many years later that I was able to “speak” about my own situation. Sadly and tragically, many “voices” remain silent even to the grave, paying the price that should not have been theirs to pay. I do not and will not ever understand those who witness this type of abuse and refuse to acknowledge it and seemingly support it by doing nothing and conveniently filing it away under “Taboo”. Something not to be spoken about or addressed in any way. Sadly it seems that if you steal money you are found guilty and a prison sentence is in order. If you abuse a person and steal their life, it becomes taboo and the prison sentence is imposed on them. Thank you for comments and your evident concern.
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Beautiful poem about actions of the mind. Bravery vs. Cowardice.
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Tareau, don’t you have something to do around the house? You can’t sit all day reading my poems. But please do! lol You are too kind about my poetry – thank you.
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Hahahahahahah ok.
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🙂
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Hello Marie, I went to “like” the piece, and saw that I already did so a while back! This is a very good piece. I appreciate the way you make it clear that inaction hurts other people, and also ourselves.
This is the nature of evil: it enlists the assistance of good people as accomplices. A lot of this stems from ignorance. Patriarchy is about male privilege. Male domination becomes as natural as breathing – it is like water to a fish. Men do not see male dominance as a problem until women point it out.
Another part of it is, as you said, the fear of being a kill-joy. We are social animals and just want to fit in. But we do not realize that the status quo that we want to adhere to so bad is fraudulent and hurtful. We fear being kill-joys so much we end up killing the joy of other people; and taking joy in killing others.
Men have to be educated out of their toxic masculinity. This is where your statement in the poem about it hurting ourselves comes in: masculinity hurts men. Patriarchy blunts the emotional range of men. Through this worldview, men are taught to be tough, not to feel, and to objectify. We are complex beings with a spectrum of feelings, and masculinity reduces it to only a few. This is unnatural – and men are unable to partake in the joys of love, and affection. Men grow up indoctrinated to believe in an “ethic of justice” – when they should be geared toward an “ethic of care” (to borrow from Carol Gilligan’s work). Because men are forced to suppress their emotions, I think they erupt into violence (war/military/policing).
One tactic that we can use to teach men is to show them that it is not only okay to FEEL, but it is beneficial to women, the planet, and men.
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You can’t see me, but I am standing up and applauding. I believe they call this a standing ovation. What more can I add to this outstanding commentary?
I believe this is the premise of a longer and more substantial post and I believe you are the MAN to write it. Are you going to take up the challenge? I’m looking out for this post from you. As they say: watch this space! 🙂
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Lol
Thank you! I will definitely do this! I love the idea of the ethic of care : it gets a bad wrap for a couple of reasons, but it deserves to be a concept in wide circulation. We need to “unsettle” our understanding of sex/gender to create a new notion of humanity. I will send you the link when it is complete!
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Look forward to that Darryl. Naughty of me to ask, but have you forgiven your dad? You don’t need to answer, but I’ve forgiven mine, although I can’t forgive his behaviour, I realise now that maybe he had issues that triggered his abusive behaviour.
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Feel free to ask me anything!
I think I am in the same boat: I am capable of seeing him as a person and father independent of his mistreatment of my mother. I cannot forgive that – although I think my mother has to a large degree.
Glad to hear you were able to forgive your father to a degree.
My problem is I fear history repeating itself. I am worried that my parents are the template for relationships in my subconscious – and that no matter how hard I try to run away from this, I am actually running toward this.
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Darryl if you fear history repeating itself, I would advise (if you don’t mind me doing so) that you speak to someone. Doesn’t have to be a counsellor (especially if you’re not that way inclined). The fact that you recognise that this might be an issue for you in the future, talk it out with someone you trust and who will listen to you non-judgementally. I think you are a person who will listen and the fact that you don’t want to repeat that sort of behaviour inclines me to think that you will do your best not to use your parents’ template. You sound as if you want to do your best by women anyway, so you’re halfway there.
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Thank you for the advice Marie! I talk openly with my girlfriend about it, and I guess my formal therapist are the books that I read. Part of the reason I created a blog was so I could express my feelings and improve my behavior and understanding of the world. Always room for improvement, but you’re right, I am making progress.
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Lovely! I’m here to chat too remember. 🙂 You do have a point though. Most of the men who are abusive tend to bottle things that they find difficult to address. It’s as if the more stuff they keep inside them and don’t know how to process, the more anger they hold and express this in the form of rage. It’s as if it’s a never ending circle: men experience abuse, they are taught not to cry or express emotion: “big boys don’t cry” they are constantly told from a young age.
There’s also all the cliché surrounding nurturing and rearing children: boys are expected to be macho and strong, women are fed romanticised clap-trap about knights in shining armour and all that nonsense. Children need love, care and attention. They need to see positive, respectful parenting, but this is not always possible. No-one is taught how to be a parent and that is perhaps the most important and relevant part of bringing children into the world.
I don’t know how we go about changing this trend/pattern successfully because it is such a huge issue and people don’t want to be told what to do. Perhaps the answer is to change mind set. But how does one do this ….? I throw up my hands …
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Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it!
I agree with what you are saying about parenting. It is interesting how in some states, foster parents/adoptive parents have to go through weeks of training to be able to care for a child. But if people choose to have their own child, there is no training. (I am not advocating parental training for everyone, it is just something to think about).
I think a huge part of this is the way our economy is organized. Patriarchy has not always existed – it developed when classism began. Before that, families were organized in a way where men and women were equals. Families were matrilineal. The development of private property changed all of this: now women were inferior to men, women were confined to the private household, and families were organized around male lineage (the word “familia” means servant/slave). Moving beyond capitalism and becoming an egalitarian society where the means of production are held in common – as opposed to being controlled by a few powerful people – is a huge way to free women from the shackles of sexism.
I admit that alterations to the economy will likely not totally solve the problem – but it will address a great deal of it.
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Darryl, you make a really good and interesting point regarding the adoption process. Such a shame that doesn’t apply to regular parenting.
As for all the other points you make, I agree with you because you make such good points based on the wealth of knowledge that you have. I cannot hope to compete with your vast knowledge base, but I can learn from you.
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No competition necessary! I am researching for that piece you recommended as well ☺
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When we speak, I try not to show my ignorance too much. LOL 🙂
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That is a sign of intelligence ! Lol
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🙂 thanks!
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My husband’s family is full of English majors, so I have heard many, many quotes from Shakespeare! 😀 I like how you used it here.
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Thank you Shattered. It’s kind of you to say that. And while I’m here, can I just say a huge thank you for all the posts you read and liked together with this one. So appreciated! 🙂
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I love being able to show support! I have fallen behind this week (holiday, sickness going around, etc.) and I have actually MISSED being able to read, like, comment, and encourage. But, I was glad to get some reading done and catch up with you. 🙂
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