Tags
abuse, broken, control, cruelty, domestic vioence, escape, fears, Florence, husband, Italy, pain, physical scars, tears, therapy, wedding vows
Florence not the place in Italy. A real person, an essentially good person but flawed nonetheless. I cannot say what prompted me to write today of Florence although I had been thinking about her for a while and I wanted to share with all the beauty of a soul who suffered more than words can say, and who dwelt each day in turmoil. You see Florence was a victim of domestic violence. And Florence came to believe that that was all she deserved. She did not know how, could not know how, was unable to show the scars, the tears, her fears, instead wearing these garments like a beautiful gown thrown carefully about her person. She paid attention to this outward show: the fashion show of the broken.
Others looked but could not see her pain for she wore those garments well. Tears like a brooch pinned to her heart, covering the sorrow. Fears, a multi-coloured scarf tossed about her neck so those finger-marks a cruel necklace, red and raw were concealed a good deal of the time, even when it was not cold. Florence’s smile beguiled even those of a perspicacious nature. Even they were fooled by that smile, a smile which said all is well, but belied the sadness coiled tightly, so unsightly for the world to see.
Misfortune was the realm in which she lived, a place which foiled her every plan to escape the brutality of domestic violence. Attacks were the nature of the cruel game played out in this particular domain. Florence played the game but the rules were skewed. Skewed in favour of her husband. Her husband who she had taken for better or for worse, but it would have been better had the worse been better, but the worse was worse and featured strongly in this union if you could call it that.
Personally, I would not call it a union, but for Florence her wedding vows were sacred and she had promised and promises were not made to be broken. But her bones could be. Surely she had not promised that?
~ MEW
You paint a beautiful yet heartbreaking portrait. “The fashion show of the broken” is a haunting phrase, and a perfect metaphor for the tragedy of abuse. As you say, the victims of domestic violence are often unable to understand how it is they ended up in such dire straits. They are sure only that the secret of their abuse must be preserved, and that they deserve no better. Those twin beliefs — both mistaken — may cost them their lives.
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Thank you Anna for your compassionate response to this most appalling crime. You, as always are spot on in your commentary on how victims of domestic violence see themselves and are unable to act, frozen as it were by abuse. Thank God, Florence (my mum) escaped and was able to enjoy a better life, unlike many others who suffer an untimely death at the hands of a so-called loved one.
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Right??
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I think I know what you mean. You mean you wouldn’t equate violence and beauty in the same sentence? But yes, I tried to write this as if I were painting a picture and I think it’s the words I’ve used rather than saying it was a beautiful situation. I hope I’ve answered your question.
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I think your friend should try, be strong and get out of the abusive relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way. I pray happiness and content finds her wherever she goes. I hope she finds a light and follows it and I pray that light illuminates the darkness that resides in her life.
Oh and I absolutely love her name.
Thank you for sharing her story Murr.
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Dear Aak, how lovely to see a message from you. Thank you so much for your concern. Please don’t worry about Florence anymore because she is in a really safe place now and tremendously happy. Yes it’s a beautiful name. Thank you for taking the time to comment Aak. 🙂
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Always. ❤
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🙂 xxx
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We can only hope
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As you now know, she escaped but not before 36 years of cruelty had taken its toll on her. She did have 10 good years after escaping, and I hope that she recoups those 36 years in a more peaceful place. As you say, “we can only hope”. Thank you so much for reading all these posts and for your kind comments.
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And thanks for sharing this story with us…
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Thank you.
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“Her husband who she had taken for better or for worse, but it would have been better had the worse been better, but the worse was worse and featured strongly in this union if you could call it that.”
Wow just wow. I had to read that part twice and I loved the challenge. Generally speaking Florence is telling us (the reader) that the worse usually in a marriage would be what, loss of a job, moving, arguments, in laws, financial, sickness. So in my mind, Florence is telling us that the worse would have been a good worse if it was one of the things I mentioned. And she could accept the “traditional” for better or worse moniker. Am I right? If I’m wrong please school me.
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Thank you Tareau. No, you don’t need to be schooled. Go to the top of the class! I love the way you explained that – better than even I could. Bless you, my bro.
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No problem. That’s the beauty of poetry. The misinterpretation can sometimes lead to a beautiful outcome.
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You are right??? Worse means all those you mentioned.. it definitely doesn’t mean physical abuse..
obviously 🙄 her husband doesn’t really love ❤️ her..
he is a beast.. and a very cruel man.. who doesn’t deserved to be loved by a woman like Florence
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Thank you so much for your lovely and compassionate comment. Florence deserved so much more than the treatment she received. I love your last line and agree with you entirely. Thank you dear friend.
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Beautifully written Marie. So glad to read a snippet of a happier ending for Florence in you comment above. What do you think about the name of the crime? I wonder if it were ust called ‘assault’ or whatever it is if the victim was not a spouse, some of thd taboos and secrets could be broken. Maybe the law would assess the perpetrator differently too?
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I’m so happy when I see a comment from you Mek. 🙂 I hate the term domestic violence. To me it smacks of a certain type of violence which has been graded to be somehow be different from “proper violence”, almost like a weaker more diluted form of violence and therefore probably more acceptable and not worthy of the type of punishment “real” violence is. (Sorry if it sounds like I’m ranting at you – absolutely not meant this way). All assaults are assaults whether they are in the home or outside of the home. They merit (not sure if that’s the right word in this instance) severe punishment for perpetrators. It’s a vexed question for me, that women and children being beaten up and killed in the home has always been seen as acceptable in times past. More is being done about this currently, but the pace is slow and it has been a long time coming. Thank you for your concern about Florence who is now in a much better place. Sadly she passed 17 years ago, but yesterday I felt able to write about her from “a safe place” in my heart.
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And i lovo getting your comments too. I so agree…will write properly tomorrow. I’m sorry that she passed away, but glad she saw better days before doing so xxx
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You have aid what I tried to say, but far more eloquently and with greater depth. There are so many factors at play that have resulted in that form of violence being seen as ‘just’ domestic violence. The fact that most vicitims are voiceless women and children, the role of religion and the patriarchal nature of society protecting these men, but in amongst the children who are victims are also little boys, and just what will those little boys grow up to be? and what conflicting messages they get about behaviour that is excused and doesn’t meet the necessary consequences for the perpetrator.
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So lovely to hear from you on my birthday. It’s like a lovely gift – thank you. 🙂 Now to violence: Yes I agree with every word you say (and the compliment too!). You have eloquently added another piece to this jigsaw of the effect on little boys. Yes women and children suffer terribly and doctors surgeries, hospitals and mental health charities are filled to capacity with these victims of this crime, effects often not showing up ’til in adulthood when they are forced to face piecing their broken lives together by seeking therapy. Some don’t even reach adulthood, finding solace in suicide. So sad to say. And then there are the little boys who suffer the anguish too and seeing that the law (certainly in the last 50 years or so) completely ignoring the cries of the abused and treating domestic violence as some sort of cruel pastime indulged in by people who have the right to do so.
Thank God, times have changed and violence of this nature is no longer condoned. What are these small boys to make of this? Well we can see that they can go on to perpetuate this behaviour, because they simply don’t know any other way. Thank you for adding your voice to this – it is much appreciated. Do you see now why the past still exists for me?
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Happy Birthday Marie! I’d make a batch of cupcakes for you if we were in the same place. I totally get why you say the past still exists for. I hope this year gives a lot of joy to displace the pain.
So…what are you doing to celebrate your day?.😊 💕
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Dear Mek thank you so much. I do go on about the past, don’t I? Sorry! Wouldn’t it be great if I could taste one of your cupcakes today. Never mind! I am supposed to be going to see a film about President Obama and Michelle when they met. It starts at 1pm and as I’m still in bed blogging I’m unlikely to get there today. There’s a later showing later in the month, so I might go and see it then. Later my daughter and I are supposed to be seeing another film and eating out. So it looks as if it’s going to be fun! 🙂
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The Obama’s can wait, if being in bed blogging is making you happy. Enjoy the film and meal with your daughter and have a beautiful day doing whatever makes you smile xx
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Marie, I like to think your mother’s smile revealed that some small but vital part of her higher self transcended the psychopathic cruelty inflicted upon her. Please forgive my use of that term – psychopathic – but really, what else are we to call it if we don’t believe in evil? There is a redemptive quality, even within the psychopath – not (I believe) in any religious sense, but in the knowledge that the human animal is subject to flaw and omission through no fault of their own but through the uninvited hand dealt to them. The psychopath doesn’t choose to be without empathy, s/he simply is that way. Can we acknowledge this? Easy for some to suggest it might be possible, not so for others to effect.
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It’s always lovely to see a comment from you Hariod. Your opening words are beautiful and I have taken them to my heart. Thank you (through tears, I might add). And there is no need for an apology for using the word psychopath – I have come to know that was what my father was. I struggled to reconcile my love for him with the pain he caused us all with his psychopathic behaviour. I have not been able to do this, but I try to look at his behaviour from a more sympathetic point of view these days. I can now agree with you that the psychopath does not choose to be without empathy, although having been on the receiving end of that type of cruelty leaves me in a confused place. Your point of view despite all of this is much appreciated.
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Really great! Thanks!
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Yeah.. it’s really a sad 😭 affair. Especially when Florence thinks she has no other choice but to endure this abuse alone..
to her leaving is not an option..
Aaaaahhh??? ( 😔 sighs)
I have been a victim of such abuse..
but I know I have a choice to take or leave it..
it took me three times to realize that he will not stop.. nor is he sorry 😐 about hurting me.. and that he couldn’t love ❤️ me… because if he did.. he wouldn’t have hurt me that way..
I pressed charges.. but I’m in a country that woman .. children 👶
and animals are overly protected by the law..
How I wish we could make florence see that she doesn’t deserve this abuse
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Dear friend (I’m sorry I don’t know your name yet) I seem to be answering your comments in a random order. By now you probably know that Florence is no longer here, but as you rightly say it took a very long time for her to see that she had other choices. I had to practically prise her out of the situation she was in many years ago. I am so sorry to hear that you too have experienced abuse of this type. I hope that you have been able to free yourself from this abusive situation. Although you did not get justice, please see that it is more important for you to have got away from your abuser. He will get his justice in due course – don’t worry. I don’t think Florence ever really truly realised that she didn’t deserve the abuse, because I fear that when you are in a situation like that, you are so beaten down that you cannot think rationally and you sometimes begin to think that the problem lies with you and not your abuser. I pray that you and your children are in a better place.
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Thanks 🙏🏻…
Experience teaches….
And Florence was very fortunate to have had a caring and compassionate friend like you…
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Thanks. 🙂
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Oooooh.. Florence died????
Oooooh my!!!!
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I’m sorry if you weren’t expecting this. Yes my mother died 17 years ago. Why am I writing about her now? I guess it is the right time for me. Thank you for your concern – much appreciated!
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Wow, I am almost without words (which is rare for me). You so very accurately and beautifully describe an absolutely tragic circumstance from two perspectives: on the surface and within the heart and mind of the victim. Victims expend so much effort to protect or hide the abuse. Psychological control and, in the case of Florence, physical abuse maintain their allegiance to their aggressor.
Beautifully written. I am so happy to hear that Florence found happiness after escaping the abuse.
Thank you for sharing her story.
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Thank you so much for your considered and accurately drawn conclusion of this post. Thank you also for your praise which is much appreciated and although I couldn’t have written it without witnessing this woman’s suffering, of which I’m not at all happy about, it gives me the platform to voice my feelings about domestic violence and its terrible effects on the victim(s). Thank you for concern too about my mother – she escaped and thankfully after 36 years of violence, was able to enjoy her life. Thank you for reading and commenting.
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Hi, may I call you Marie? I am so touched by your writing, personally and artistically.
As you may already know from my writing, I am very concerned about the effects of my own experience with emotional abuse and domestic violence (not physically battering but more threatening, menacing and bullying) is effecting my young daughter. She is witnessing unhealthy relationship patterns and the worst type of communication — as did you, yet your voice seems to come from knowledge and strength. I am communicating honestly with her however her experiences contradict my words.
She is already so much more knowledgeable and worldly than I ever was, but I know this is effecting her foundation. Your writing gives me hope that with the proper coaching, she may escape this vicious cycle.
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Thank you so much for your amazingly supportive compliment. I write from the heart, so whatever comes from that place is genuine, authentic and in some ways original. I also write from experience which I think helps the words to flow. I don’t always know what I am going to write: I simply just start writing and the words come, and thankfully they resonate with others who appreciate and feel that they can take something away from it: whether it be therapeutic (which is my aim) or inspires empathy.
Your message has really touched me because I have been the daughter in the exact same situation as you now describe. And I have witnessed my own mother having to deal with the situation you also describe. Having read some of your posts, I know that you are a wonderful mum, doing the very best that you can do in terms of freeing yourself from an abusive situation. Take heart and remain positive and continue to seek help as you are doing. I am sure that you are doing the right thing. It’s destructive for a child to witness abusive behaviour so if you can possibly help her by showing her love and support as you are doing by writing to me, I am sure this will lessen any detrimental effect on her emotionally.
I hope what little I’ve said helps – I wish I could do more. I’m so happy to know that my writing gives you hope – that is one of the best compliments I have received and of course you can call me Marie. All the very best, take care.
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God give grace and wisdom to the Florences that have to endure. You know for whatever time she has she is honoring her commitment to the Lord. There is honor there, but still pray for the Lord to change to situation or the man.
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Thank you Gary. There is a lot more help for the women like Florence now, than there was in times past. Thank God. She is actually with the Lord now. I don’t think you can change psychopaths, but I would appreciate your prayers. Bless you.
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Amen. That is why we are here.
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I hope you’re not saying we’re here to suffer abuse? I don’t think you are. But however much we pray to change abusive situations, I think it is always better to pray from a place of safety. One can go only so far in honouring a sacred vow to a partner in the presence of God. One should never stay in an abusive situation. I don’t think that is what God expects of us.
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No, we do not desire to suffer. We pray for the situation to change or the Lord moves us out of it. We want peace in our homes.
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Yes of course we want peace in our homes Gary. Thanks so much for clearing that up.
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” Tears like a brooch pinned to her heart” I feel for all the Florence’s in the world Marie..
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Thank you Sue. I’m sure Florence would love that you have commented on her plight. And for all the other Florence’s, I hope that what they went through, are going through will STOP. There is no room for domestic violence in a civilized society.
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I agree.. I had parents who suffered the same plight.
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I’m sorry to hear this Sue. I’m in the same boat too, as regards your parents. How I wish it were different.
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Yes I stood many times between them.. Not always my Dads fault either.. Many think it is the men who are aggressive. Not always so.. 😦 Lets say it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other..
And you have my sympathises also xx
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Thank you so much for sharing Sue. Yes as you rightly say, many think it is the men who are aggressive, but it seems in your case it was 50/50. Not so with my parents. My father was brutal to all of us. Mum suffered 36 years at his hands unable to leave, until I finally helped her escape. Even then she seemed reluctant to go. He would have killed her otherwise. Thank you for your sympathy. So kind of you. xx
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That is awful Marie and I know how as a child we get impacted by the arguments and fights.. And it is also surprising how many ‘Victims’ of abuse stay in a relationship. Or go from one abusive one to the next.. I am so thankful you helped your Mother escape xx
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Thank you Sue. That means a lot to me. xx
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So sorry for your friend, Marie. Unfortunately, I often find that women can oppress other women as surely as we can oppress ourselves without even realizing it. We need to hear stories told this way – with tenderness and outrage.
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Thank you Daal. Your perspective is another angle I had not thought about. Thank you!
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off subject of this post but have been thinking of you since last we chatted about counselors – have recently been introduced to hypnosis. now I recommend it to all. tho like anything else, finding a good practitioner is not easy as good ones are equal parts art & science, am loving how am getting amazing results with the one I recently found.
for those who are curious, the word hypnosis is almost a misnomer – its about finding key words and ideas, then being led through visualizations when one is in best state of mind to receive them.
such a pity that so few therapists use it, and that insurance only covers therapists.
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I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you are getting amazing results Daal. You are so fortunate to have found a therapist who you are able to work with and that it is working for you.
At the height of my anxiety, hypnosis was recommended to me and I found a counsellor who I worked with for a few months, but it didn’t really work for me. I was expecting all my anxiety to be noticeably reduced, but it didn’t happen for me. I have a few CDs which I listened to at home, as well as the treatment at her practice, but I feel no different. I don’t regard it as a complete waste of time and money because sometimes you get so desperate that you’re willing to try anything. I’ve even tried “tapping” which some people swear by, but again no visible results. Perhaps I’m just not the sort of person who is relaxed enough to receive these words and ideas. Or as you say, it maybe that I haven’t found the right therapist for me.
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You are perfectly right – so many factors come into play for each of us, at different times of our lives. The hypnotherapist I found is indeed remarkable, tho of course others might find something different would work for them. What surprised me after my first session with her was that as an unexpected byproduct, I was sleeping so much better!
I tried tapping too, & no luck for me either.
Our exchange reminds me of a big part as to why western medicine is often attractive – they do lots of trial & error, same as alternative, but insurance endorses & pays for it.
Best to you, dear Marie. On a slightly different note, the internet, including blogging, also helps me 🙂
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It’s good to hear that you are sleeping much better. I find that a good sleep makes you feel much better. Let’s hope it continues that way.
And yes blogging is so therapeutic. There’s such a wealth of advice and information and it’s such a feel-good factor talking to the many talented people who blog. That includes you! :)x
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Thank you, Marie – for all of people saying that there are dangers to blogging, I’ve been fortunate to have experienced none of them. Only the sweetest of followers & comments – like you!
btw – do you have any pets? was just thinking today of how, particularly those of us without parental help in this area, dogs are so good at teaching about boundaries. mine teach me to set them, to be clear about them, and to be consistent.
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Daal I am such a people-pleasing person that I hesitate to tell you that I am not a dog lover. 🙂 My daughter loves them and keeps (she loves ALL animals) suggesting that I get one because she thinks it would be a comfort to me. I appreciate their cuddliness when they are babies and when they are adult some of them are very beautiful. But I just can’t get my head around the responsibility of owning a dog. All that cleaning up poo doesn’t appeal to me.:) I keep goldfish, and my daughter has a hamster called Milo who is very sweet and no trouble at all.:) I absolutely get what you say about sex education and the lessons you can learn from owning a pet. I hope that nothing awful happened to you when you were young Daal with others not respecting boundaries. xXx
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Marie, I love chatting with you this way – you are wise & generous of spirit 🙂
I would love if anyone else feels inspired to chime in.
Not all must be dog lovers – while I’ve always loved animals, I was a cat person before we got dogs for my husband. Until we got these, I figured anyone who put up with having a dog must be some sort of machochist. Now I’m not as much of a dog lover as much as a lover of mine. I’ve always liked children, but never understood why someone would persue all the burden – & here, the doggies have taught me.
Awfulness happened in my life early — & then later as a result of thinking I must always be ‘nice.’ I was raised to revere martyred saints & doormat women.
It’s been a long road, one that continues, to understand what strength truly is.
When I read things about how women must unite – I agree, but we must be wary — some reinforce destructive expectations of women worse than men do.
I do my best to see people as individuals, lest if I slide into generalizing I’ll miss the so many good people of all types 🙂
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Thank you Daal. 🙂 I must remind you that I am human and not as perfect as you would paint me. I am sure I have upset a few people in my time. LOL I’m really compassionate and sensitive though.
I quite like the analogy of owning a dog and owning children. Yes, quite are burdensome to a degree, but the joys outweigh the responsibility (in most cases!)
I don’t like to think of awfulness happening to you Daal. I had a feeling that something had because of the very insightful comment you made about boundaries. I’m sending you lots of healing thoughts which I hope will go hand in hand with your hypnotherapy. Let me know if you receive them. 🙂
Yes, being on the end of abusive behaviour can lead you to abusing your own self. So many of us think we need to be doormatic (yes I know this isn’t in the dictionary – I’ve just coined it!) in our approach to life because we think/hope we will get the love, acceptance we crave that way. When we recognise that we must throw out that door mat and replace it with a lovely “self-cleaning” area which does not require any sort of door mat. Comprende? 🙂
Totally agree with your final sentence as I too have been guilty of such an approach and you do miss out on so many great things when you do this. And last but not least, it’s a real pleasure talking to another wise and generous of spirit soul. xXx
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loove doormatic & self cleaning! works especially well because neither one who says it nor one who hears it can help but smile
many thanks for you good thoughts – yes! they are much appreciated!
none of us are perfect – we are just perfect for each other at the perfect moment 🙂
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Loving “we are just perfect for each other at the perfect moment”. What a perfect description of perfection. By the way, did my healing thoughts “arrive” ok? 🙂 xXx
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Really, I should read things thoroughly before responding! I just saw that my thoughts arrived ok when I re-read your response. Anyway, it gave me a chance to write to you again – what a bargain huh? Two for the price of one! :))))
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I very happy to know your mother is leading a beautiful and happy life now ☺ She’s very strong and you are a wonderful daughter ☺
And wishing you a very happy belated Birthday!!❤❤
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My mother would love your comment Mithai. I’m not perfect, but it’s wonderful that you think of me this way. And thank you so much for the belated birthday greetings. It’s been lovely meeting you and talking to you today. How lovely that Anna has brought us this connection. xXx
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It was so wonderful talking to you too and getting the opportunity to read your posts!! Thanks to Anna for that☺ Wishing you a wonderful weekend!!😊
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Have a wonderful weekend too Mithai. I’m sure we’ll be chatting again soon! xXx
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Yep most definitely!!😊☺
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:)xXX
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You are very eloquent in your writing. It is powerful!!!
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Thank you very much. What an amazing compliment! So generous of you.
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OMG! First, when I saw the name, Florence, well, that is my deceased mother’s name and she and I had our problems. Then the body of your blog goes on to describe me.
I know I’m not alone. Countless people suffer domestic violence, but your post brings tears to my eyes.
This morning, I’ve been sitting here at my PC, trying to write about a personal agony, and I gave up. For the first time, since I began blogging, I’m at a loss.
Then, I received a comment from you which led me here. Amazing!
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Agoodlittlegirl, I am shivering as I read your words. Imagine! Both our deceased mothers have the same name: ‘Florence’. I too had problems with my mother.
No, you are not alone – which is both comforting and a tragedy, if you see what I mean.
I love these synchronistic moments and I’m so happy that we were able to connect in this way. As you say: ‘Amazing!’
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Okay, my body is besieged with goose bumps.
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💚
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Reblogged this on A GOOD LITTLE GIRL and commented:
WRITTEN BY MARIEWILLIAMS53 AND SHE TOUCHED MY HEART AS IF SHE WRITES OF MY OWN STORY.
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Thanks again for re-blogging. I am so sorry to know that you went through this terrible experience and I share your pain having experienced this in a home where there was domestic violence.
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I was one of those women who side-eyed women who I thought were too weak to leave abusive relationships. It seemed like simple math to me, Me+being treated badly=leave his sorry ass. Until!!! I found myself in the same conundrum albeit the abuse was not physical, but it hurt like hell. And for 2 years I was on a rollercoaster of lies, women, more lies the emotional abuse. It wasn’t the simple math I thought it was. I held on to hopes that he would magically change, that the lies he told would magically become true. I eventually got the strength to get up and go but I left with a new respect for those women who endure abuse. It really isn’t as easy as the by stander looking on would think. My heart goes out to all the Florence’s out there, cemented in these kinds of relationships, here’s hoping they find their strength to leave…
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Thank you Kedawithani. Your honesty is refreshing. With domestic violence the maths simply does not add up. You have my sincere respect for leaving a situation like that and I hope that you never find yourself in a place like that again.
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Deeply touched. I was in a similar situation.
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Thank you for taking the time to comment and share a part of your own story. ❤
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