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acceptance of self, analogy, approval, birth, control, definition, denial, dictionary, family, guilt, mental health, metaphor, seeking approval, self-love, shame, siblings
Why do we seek approval? Should we pay for it, and how much should we pay? Is it cost effective, and if it is not why do we urgently seek it out, and if it is, why is it that it seems that there is not enough of it to go around? Approval, how about we strike it from the dictionary completely and see if it is missed, and then contemplate the lives that have been affected by this word, a word which in itself begs for the very thing it may deny others.
As soon as we are born, although we do not know it, are not aware of it, we become the subject of approval: to be thought well of, commend, authorise, so the definition says, and that stays with us, weaving its way through our lives, lives depending on it, lives failing by it, lives denied by it, lives controlled by it, lives foiled by it, lives sadly wiped out by it.
We require approval from our parents from a very early age, and at that stage it makes us feel. Feelings and approval: cousins, sisters, brothers, it cannot be denied, these two are related and like siblings, first cousins, step children, they do not always get along. They tussle, they squabble, they fight, they vie for parental affection, believing that they are the first among equals. But sadly this is not so, because as we know, no parent loves one sibling more than the other. Or so they lead us to believe. But we know, approval tells us so!
Later on, when we are older, bolder, approval hangs around like a boulder: huge, solid, unmovable, it dictates the way we should go. Approved of, we feel nurtured, loved and accepted. Disapproval on the other hand, based on faulty premises, leaves us feeling like orphans, un-loved, un-accepted, lacking, unseen, in some cases, guilty and ashamed.
We need approval. It appears to be essential for a life well lived. But in order to live a life with no regrets, the only approval worth investing in, is the approval we give ourselves. Let’s keep that word in the dictionary and approve its existence but with the proviso that it includes not only approval from others, but above all approval from ourselves for ourselves in order to live our best life.
~Marie Williams 2016
ComeFlywithme 
Hello…. come over to see your Blogs via Hariods one and your kind comment. Thank you. I so agree with you. Our whole life is spent seeking approval in some way and that is how we conduct our lives. In some way though, seeking approval does moderate our behaviour (in a good way).
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Jackie, it is lovely to see you over here and thank you for your very kind comment. Yes, I totally agree that some degree of approval does moderate our behaviour in a good way. It’s all about balance isn’t it? Which reminds me, all things being equal, I will in due course come over to see you and read more of your blog. Lovely to meet you via Hariod!
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Marie, I didn’t read your Blog and comment and expect you to read mine. I hope people read mine because they want to, although I see you have commented on one and if I could, I would like to say, its not the best (!). I prefer to write more about everyday happening in my life… such as it is. Anyway, Hariod said you had some good blogs and as I trust his recommendations, I thought I would see. He was right. Some GOOD stuff on here and I shall dip back once in a while. I have clicked the follow link so hope to get a notification. I am sure we will agree on lots of things….peace!
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Jackie, please believe me when I say I read your blog because I wanted to and not because I felt obliged to comment. Naturally, if someone likes/comments on your blog, you are intrigued to see who they are and what they have written and it is for those reasons alone, and not any other that I paid you a visit. 🙂
I am grateful to Hariod for directing you to my blog. I am also mortified that I thought Hariod was female, and I think I said something to that effect on his blog! Please Hariod, if you read this forgive my assumption and maybe take it as a compliment! :)) I think I’d better stop talking now!! 🙂
Thank you for the follow, it is an amazing compliment and I hope we will agree on lots of things as you say. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
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I don’t suppose Hariod will take offence! (you thinking him a female) I did laugh though. I know that if you type his name it auto types ” Hairdo” so maybe that’s it :-). He is a kind and gentle soul and has taught me one or two things since I have ” known him” for which I am grateful for and I say that without any sarcasm.
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I love the “hairdo” bit! Ha ha. Hariod has written me a lovely response to my comment apologising for gender assigning him! :))) which you will see if you read the thread of comments. He really is the most wonderful person, and I do enjoy reading his posts. He always makes the most thoughtful and considered comments on my blog – and perhaps I feel a feminine vibe coming from them- not sure why that is. Just think if you hadn’t commented on his wordiness, I would still be assuming he was a female!
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I am sure that Hairdo is very grateful that you now look on him in a new (masculine) light…now pass that hairspray, Hairdo! 🙂
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What I’m intrigued about is the fact that I called him a ‘wonderful woman’ in response to some fabulous advice he gave me, and Hairdo did not correct me. I wonder if he derived some sort of pleasure (probably not the right word here, but a more suitable one eludes me at present) from keeping me in the dark …:) They say it’s always wise to keep some things back and not divulge everything. Mmmmm……
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Yes I am more of an open book – probably not too good an idea. Hariod is very illusive…and I am sure he likes being a man of mystery,.( ha ha ) He also probably thought he might embarrass you if he corrected you ” in public”.
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You do have a point Jackie – yes I’m sure it was all in the cause of saving me embarrassment, and not that he just couldn’t be ‘bovvered’.
I’m coming round to your way of thinking about the man of mystery – I think there’s a lot more to our Hariod than meets the eye ….hahahhaha
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Well said. You sensitively address the emotional distress a lack of parental approval can cause, especially in children. As you rightly say, there is an inherent tension between submission to the opinion of others (even those we love) and the demands of our own individuality.
We must be on the same wavelength! I have a post called Silly Putty on the same topic slated for next weekend. 🙂
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Thank you Anna. As always you manage to eclipse what I’ve said, and say it even better, which funnily enough makes me happy.
Of course we’re on the same wavelength! We’re sisters remember?! [smile].
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Of course, I remember, Sam! I don’t feel that I’ve ever eclipsed you though. That was certainly not my intention. Robert Frost said about poetry that it “begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.” You provide the poetry. That’s the real gift. I just do a little unpacking sometimes. ❤
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Eclipsing me is a happy accident, Tu! I have the feelings, you have the words. The moon eclipses the sun at times, we can’t live without either of those two wonders. Perhaps we in our own small way are a reflection of that phenomenon. I love that quote! XxX
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Marie, I just shared this on someone else’s blog, so this must be the theme that we’re all sharing this week. It’s a kwote that I wrote, “Your view of me doesn’t matter. And neither does my view of you.” I’m afraid that we’ve all gotten too wrapped up into gaining the approval of others. From small things (what color dress should I buy) to larger things (should I quit this job). The reality is, as you’ve so eloquently explained, we need to get and stay in touch with ourselves so that we can stand in our own approval, knowing whatever answer we develop is just the right one, for ourselves.
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Thank you Kathy for sharing and yes this theme seems to be very much in the air at the moment. I see you ‘liked’ Anna’s comment and she too has a post about the same sort of thing coming up. It’ll be interesting to see what she has to say.
I love your own kwote: if I hadn’t written my post already, I would’ve liked to include that on the post. I might still do!:)
You make a great point about the reality of approving ourselves: I couldn’t have said it better myself! Do you think that the concept of approval is another way of expressing love for self and each other? But that it is flawed in some way because it is seen as conditional? That we need to ‘do’ in order to be loved, instead of just ‘being’ and loved unconditionally for who we are and not what we do? Mmmmm…..
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Yes. I’ve learned that I used to live for others’ approval because that’s how I was raised. And when you’re raised that way, then you’re always seeking approval, which I believe to be an unhealthy lifestyle. Also, you never learn to just be okay, not doing anything and loving yourself for who you are, regardless of your gifts, abilities and achievements. To love someone unconditionally, even oneself, is one of life’s ideals. Can you love someone simply because s/he is and not because of what s/he does or makes you feel? Is that possible? I know that it is. And I know that it requires zero validation ❤
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Yes it is an unhealthy attitude to always be seeking approval from others, Kathy, but unfortunately that is how many of us were raised. You can’t fully appreciate your own magnificence if it is gauged on somebody else’s standards. You will always be wanting.
That said, approval from loved ones goes a long way in bolstering confidence in yourself and seeing yourself as valuable. It is the constant and negative forms of disapproval e.g destructive criticism, putting down, abuse which are so damaging to a person’s view of themselves. As a child you take on these criticisms and believe they are true because you simply do not have the mental maturity to deal with these sorts of psychic trauma. You then take all these negative beliefs into adulthood where it colours who you are and makes you vulnerable because you haven’t learned to throw them off and it can be crippling.
Your last para is spot on! :)x
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“Disapproval on the other hand, based on faulty premises, leaves us feeling like orphans, un-loved, un-accepted, lacking, unseen, in some cases, guilty and ashamed.”
Wow. I know this feeling. Just, wow. Awesome post. May the Lord step in and allow all of us to feel approved in Him, by Him, and for Him as He takes us from orphan status and into His family.
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Thank you Shattered. I’m not glad you know this feeling. I wish that it were not so. But I think that so many of us as the result of intended/un-intended abuse can identify with these feelings.
I join with you in your heartfelt prayer asking the Lord for His approval. I love: “He takes us from orphan status and into His family” – Wow – just wow!
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This post so spoke to me of my own childhood seeking approval. Apologies of my absence Marie.. I have not been within the blog world much these past few weeks..
Sending you love and Blessings for a wonderful Christmas and a Peaceful New Year
Hugs Sue ❤
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Yes, Sue there are very few of us who do not experience this. It goes hand in hand with simply being alive. We seem to need/seek approval from the time we are born until the time we die.
I am so happy to hear that you feel able to come back stronger. Sending you love back and blessings for a wonderful Christmas and a Happy and peaceful New Year. Hugs and xxxx
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Thank you Marie.. Love and Hugs back xx
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Thanks Sue. XxX
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Church!!! 🙌🏾 I can’t wait until we inspire more ppl to see life and live this way. Keep striving. We will get there.
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Aww what a lovely comment! Thank you so much.:)
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