Tags
acceptance, betrayal, dinner lady, embarrassment, friendship, Ireland, Irish, life lessons, refusal, school dinner, scool, trust
Warning: this post contains language which may offend.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for”. – Bob Marley
Jenny M
This story has very little to do with politics or Ireland, but it features memories of a time when I was a school girl many years ago. And the reason I have decided to talk about it is because it threw up a very important lesson about friendship for me at a time when lessons were being learned continually, but of course, the effect of a lesson learned in childhood does not have the poignancy of a lesson learned and reflected on when one is much older.
What actually happened was this: As a ten year old, I became friends with Jenny M who was a lovely Irish girl. She was bright and funny and smart. What I did not know at the time was that Jenny M would betray me and our friendship with little thought to the consequences. Now as ten year olds, if you cast your mind back, what is the most important thing to a child? My answer would be, finding solidarity with someone likeminded, feeling a sense of belonging, being accepted and being happy. Unless you’re far more advanced than your years, and you aspire to greater things, just knowing that there is someone in the class room and the playground who you can identify with goes a long way to feeling at peace in your own small world.
It was lunch time, and we were queuing for our lunch. Imagine: noisy, boisterous girls and boys, a dinner hall, buzzing with chatter and laughter. China and cutlery clinking against the backdrop of hungry children, released from classes and lessons, not silenced by the need to conform. Individuality coming to the fore, wanting to impress, wanting to assert their sense of who they are, vying for attention, perhaps a little confused about their place in the world, but on a huge learning curve.
The school dinner lady (one of say 2 or three others) was serving the meal. I don’t know how hungry Jenny M was, (she may not have had breakfast that morning) but she boldly asked for three sausages. The Irish dinner lady refused saying that Jenny M was only allowed two. Jenny was upset, angry, embarrassed that she had asked but had not received. She turned to me, and whispered: “The Irish c*w!” and swearing me to secrecy: “Don’t tell her I said so!”.
Wanting to be a good friend, shy, wanting Jenny’s approval and feeling accepted and part of a great confidence, I smiled, shook my head, and promised not to repeat what she had said.
Several days later, the incident still fresh in my mind, Jenny M and I were in the school playground and I can’t remember the exact thing that happened, but it involved the Irish dinner lady. Thinking that I had a good friend and confidante, I approached Jenny M and told her what happened. Believing that she was a true friend I repeated her words: “…the Irish c*w!” And asked Jenny, as she had asked me not so long ago not to tell Mrs I.
So what did Jenny M do? She promptly went straight to Mrs I, our Irish dinner lady and said: “Miiissss …Marie said that you are an Irish c*w”. Mortified, I could hardly believe what I heard and saw. This supposedly good friend had betrayed me with little thought as to how I would feel, and how much she had betrayed our friendship.
Of course I was hauled to the Headmaster’s office and I was duly reprimanded. But that day I learned a very important lesson as a 10 year old. Be careful who you put your trust in. In a way it was a
good lesson, painful yes, but it stood me in good stead for the rest of my life. At the time, I had no words for how I felt. I think I forgave Jenny M. Now, looking back, clearly this incident impacted me and the way I view others. Was Jenny a real friend? Should we factor into friendships, the possibility that a friend is capable of betrayal and should we take into account what may/may not have been going on in their life at the time of betrayal. And is betrayal ever something that can be forgiven if there were extenuating circumstances? As 10 year olds – do we know who we really are and do we have the maturity to be a true friend?
I will have to speak about the other Jenny in part 2 of ‘The Irish Question’.
~ Marie Williams 2016
*Jenny M and Jenny C are not their real names.
ComeFlywithme 
Oh, my stars. I have so experienced these betrayals.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry to hear that Shattered, and it hurts when it happens. But these, I’m afraid are painful life lessons that very few of us escape. Thanks for your comment and last but not least, it hasn’t escaped my notice how many of my posts you have read today. Thank you so much, I feel privileged that you have taken the time to do so. :)x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am trying to catch up today! Thinking of you! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Same here! :))x
LikeLiked by 1 person
you’ve hit yet another jackpot of powerful emotion here, dear Marie – such a great lesson – one I’ve had to learn over & over. basically, how much does one trust?
brings to mind 2 tools/lessons that have helped: a) take my time getting to know someone, & b) watch how they treat others
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you Daal. I like your two tools/lessons. I’m not saying that you can’t go wrong with these, because not a lot surprises me these days, concerning human behaviour, but it always wise to exercise caution when dealing with an unknown quantity.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow did you go to a stuffy boarding school Mrs. Williams? Hahahahahaha. Well maybe it’s just kids being kids. Have you ever tried to reach out to Jenny?
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks Tareau! In answer to your question, no I went to a state school. Do I sound like I come from money? LOL
Yes you are right, kids will be kids. What does a 10 year old know about trust and loyalty? But funnily enough even at that age, were the roles reversed, I was a trustworthy friend. I guess we can’t put everything down to ‘childhood’, some of us have an innate sense of knowing the difference between right and wrong.
‘Jenny’ and I parted company when we left primary school and I never saw or heard from her again. I even wonder if that incident meant anything to her at all. Perhaps that lesson was meant only for me, and she was the ‘teacher’ in that scenario.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Yes it does sound like you come from money and I mean that in a great compliment. The stories, the vocabulary etc. Hahaha so does that answer your question? Yes it probably was nothing for her. Some kids are raised like that.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tareau, always the joker! Because one speaks posh and uses big words lol, does not mean they have vast wealth. It just means they are able to fool some of the people all of the time. :))))
At the time I was devastated that she could let me down so easily. Looking back as an adult, I realise that there were issues at play in both of our lives. Being in danger of possibly losing your life before going to school each day makes you ‘grow up’ very quickly indeed. Who knows if Jenny M didn’t have enough food at home, and therefore had to stock up as it were at school lunch? I’ll never know. When you are a child, you think you are the only one being abused at home, it never occurs that other children might be suffering just the same as you and acting up when they get to school in order to’order’ their lives. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
LikeLiked by 2 people
It really does
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nicely written, Marie; thankyou. I think Tareau may have a point in that I’m not sure if betrayal is so much in play as boundary testing may be, or perhaps the need to evoke drama. Betrayal rather suggests having a grasp of a moral perspective, don’t you think? And I’m not too sure how well developed our moral and ethical perspectives are at 10 years of age. I recall at that age walking home from school with a friend across a field and us both trampling upon slugs if they were in our path. It was a conscious and deliberate action, and yet I only had a vague sense that there was something wrong in what we were doing. Similarly, perhaps, it may be that Jenny M only had a residual sense of wrongdoing, or of how it may impact upon you, and that her motivation was far more to do with herself than you, and little to do with any moral perspective. [You make something like this suggestion yourself at the end of your piece.] I suppose this means that we may need to abstract these closing questions of yours and deal with them only within the sphere of adulthood. There, I think we can say betrayal is always a possibility, as sometimes we may be forced to make ‘impossible’ choices – Sophie’s Choice being the ultimate betrayal, yet one done in nothing but love?
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you Hariod. I have learned something today from you, by looking at this from another perspective. Of course, I am telling this story as an adult and not a ten year old now, so you are absolutely right about the terms betrayal and boundaries.
I do wonder though why I didn’t ‘tell on’ Jenny M as she told on me? Could it be that my boundaries were more fully formed? Why I wonder do two children faced with the same set of issues react quite differently? I kept her secret, but she found herself duty bound to report me, when having done the same thing, only a day or two earlier exacted silence and loyalty from me? I wonder what your take on that is.
I have to think a little longer about the ‘ultimate betrayal’ before deciding what it is you mean by this. But I felt betrayed even as a 10 year old, when Jenny M repeated what I had said in confidence to her. She knew full well that I would be punished, just as I knew that she would be punished had I grassed on her.
As 10 year olds, even if we do not have the maturity to articulate our feelings, some of us are blessed with a sense of knowing the difference between right and wrong. I think if you have the sense to call someone names, knowing that is wrong, and you know what the consequences will be if the adult finds out, then you know that if you rat on a friend, what will happen, and if you do that, you do not care, you are not a good friend, and you know exactly what you are doing.
It is good to know your opinion, and I thank you for sharing.
LikeLiked by 2 people
“I do wonder though why I didn’t ‘tell on’ Jenny M as she told on me?” – Can you really say you acted that way due to overtly sensing a moral obligation, or could it have been something more of a rote response to instruction from a trusted source? If the latter, then did you in fact “react quite differently”, or were you both dealing the one circumstance as your own separate issues: Jenny M testing boundaries or looking for drama, say, and yourself going along with a request just as children may tend to do habitually and un-analytically? It seems that only in looking at the circumstances you describe through a lens of morality do you appear to react in contradistinction to Jenny M’s impulse. Of course, and as I suggested before, then kids do have some sort of moral perspective on what’s deemed right and wrong, and some – just one of my two granddaughters being a case in point – may have a highly developed ethical sense relative to their age. So it’s far from being a clear cut distinction, but I think it’s true to say we do develop our ethics in a progressive, linear fashion as we gradually mature into adulthood.
As to Sophie’s Choice and the ‘impossible choice’, see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sophie's_Choice_(film)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Hariod. You have certainly given me a lot to think about.
Yes I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I sensed a moral obligation to keep Jenny M’s secret. I understood what could happen if I repeated what she had said to another adult, let alone the adult in question. Whether you believe me is another question altogether.
My background (you will not know this, and why indeed would you?) was such that chaos reigned on a daily basis. By the age we are talking about I had a keenly developed sense of right and wrong which I didn’t learn at home, but deep within my consciousness so that I could guard and protect myself from harm. Naturally I couldn’t do this because of my age and my position in life. So yes, I may not have known the word ‘betrayal’ but I know what I felt. I still feel that sinking feeling and sense of absolute loss and being let down by someone I trusted.
It may be that Jenny M had a similar chaotic background, and in trying to make sense of her situation, she tried to pull back power into her life in order to deal with things beyond her control. As I say, asking for food, and more than she was allowed, then denied, left her powerless. Being faced with a situation where she could wield power by ‘telling’ on me, might have been her only way of making sense of her life. I certainly have no idea what was going on in her life, but the fact that she as a child could make racist comments of that nature makes me think that all was not well at home.
I think that maybe as you are not in full possession of all the facts, you only have what I have actually written on which to base your opinion your view might understandably incline to bordering on pure logic.
Thank you so much for sharing your view. It is really interesting to see how my post has affected others and the comments are much appreciated.
I have seen Sophie’s Choice and I understand the issue in question and I will comment on it when I have formed a point of view which I can put forward in an articulate way.
Thanks once again for taking the time to comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Hariod, perhaps a little belatedly, having extricated myself from defensive mode, I can now respond to your question above regarding the ultimate betrayal. And I would concur that this is the ultimate betrayal in terms of the comparison between my story and ‘Sophie’s Choice’.
I’m afraid, I’m still like that ‘dog with the bone’ :), and although what happened in the school playground and what happened to ‘Sophie’ are worlds apart in terms of magnitude, I am still of the opinion that what happened to me was a betrayal of trust. I trusted that child to keep what I said in confidence, just as she trusted me not to say anything which would get her into trouble as she knew it would.
I’m not going to re-hash the whole thing again as I’ve made several comments on how I view her behaviour to you and others.
The consequence of what she did could have been a lot worse for me – I got away lightly with a reprimand. Had this got ‘home’, it is possible that I would not be here sharing the story.
As you rightly say, children do not have the maturity to deal with adult concepts, but as children we do have varying experiences which might in turn lead us down an ‘adult’ path long before we are equipped to deal with such matters. The process of dealing with trauma in childhood is a difficult one, and is often left to the adult when grown to pick up the pieces so to speak.
Your comments, and your pragmatic viewpoint is always welcome here, and while it made me defensive in many respects (still viewing things emotionally), whilst not agreeing with absolutely everything you say, I respect and value your considered opinion. Thank you so much Hariod, and very best wishes to you.
LikeLike
I found this heartbreaking. Childhood friendships had to be so precious to you, given the trauma at home. I cannot fathom Jenny M’s motives, but agree they likely had little to do w/ you.
I think a child by the age of 10 does (or should) have some understanding of trust and betrayal. Jenny M understood enough about the concepts to ask that you keep the secret for her. Of course, childhood friendships can be transitory. In the US, however, Catholic children take first communion around the age of 7. That implies a knowledge of sin.
I wonder where Jenny M picked up the epithet “Irish c*w”. It is interesting that the insult was directed at a nationality she shared w/ the dinner lady. That says alot about the lessons that lovely Irish girl learned at home.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you Anna. You know my story, so you know how heartbreaking for me Jenny M’s actions were. Trust is such an important thing within a friendship, and if you manage to ‘trust’ someone, anyone, when trust is broken inside the home, being able to trust your instincts to put that trust in someone outside of it, can be devastating to an already fragile ego, when that trust is broken.
As an adult, my heart goes out to that small Irish girl, who for all I know may have come to school hungry each day. Seeing her request for an extra sausage denied, might have triggered something inside her to exert her ‘power’ in the only way she knew, by letting down someone equally vulnerable. This might not make sense to many people, but I know you and I are able to look past the simple childlike behaviour as kids being kids, and see the deeper underlying problems which might lead her to behave this way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lady M! How are you love? ✨💞
I love this little ‘slice of life’.
When I first read this it made me think of the whole ‘mean girl’ phenomenon that is talked about in the US.
You know, these are the little girls who, for whatever reason, are very mean and hurtful to other children. I’ve always thought that it has it’s root in some form of abuse in the home.
That said, the form of abuse that I’m thinking about results when parents overindulge a child and cater to his or her every whim and wonder. They are doted on from the moment they step out of the womb!
Children like this think the world revolves around them and can be terrible at building friendships.
While I don’t know the particulars of this Jenny’s home life, I do know that ‘spoiled kids’ tend to act a lot like she did.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lady G! Wassup girl?! Thanks for your take on this. I hadn’t thought of reverse abuse. You always seem to come up with something new and fresh to add to the debate. And thanks for letting me know about ‘mean girl’ phenomenon in the US. That does not sound good.
I think a lot of challenging behaviour seen at school can be traced back to the home. Unfortunately if your parents weren’t parented in a loving and nurturing way, they cannot do the job of parenting their own children and so begins the downward spiral of unacceptable behaviour.
I hope that cold is on the mend? I am fine, duckin’ and divin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ – trying to earn an honest buck! Did I say that??! hahahahahhaha
LikeLiked by 1 person
WASSSSSSSSUP!!!!!!!
Good morning/afternoon Lady M!
You are absolutely right about things starting in the home. Kids don’t come into this world acting that way. Notice how babies will play with anyone regardless of color, creed, nationality, gender etc.
It’s not until we come along and say…”Oh no, here comes that Irish c*w!” does it even occur to a child that there is ‘difference’ –albeit manufactured!
Girl you tickle me! Duckin’ and divin’!
Just don’t start peepin’ and ‘hidin’!
We got to have ya!
LikeLiked by 1 person
WASSSSSSUUUUUPPPP!!!!!! You m’lady are good for the soul! You are incredibly funny: ‘peepin’ and hidin’ hahahahahaha
Over here, that sort of thing is frowned upon.
Yes, children don’t know anything about racism until it is pointed out to them. Of course they are curious about skin colour and the physical differences between ethnicities, but that for them is all part of their learning curve and thought processes. Goodness only knows the sorts of conversation that were taking place in that little Irish girl’s home for her to be making racist comments of that nature.
On a totally different subject, are you a Christmas person? Have you written a post on how you celebrate yet? Guess I’d better mosey on over to see what excitement you’re creating over on ‘seeking the best …’ :)) x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am a Christmas person! YAAASSSS
And I will be posting a little something special this week about how Christmas looks around here 🙂
How ’bout you?
And thank you Lady M for all of your kind words. You are good for the soul too my sweet!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now how did Mystic Marie know that Lady G was big on Christmas?! LOL
I always sat on the fence about Christmas, occupying the space between Mrs Scrooge and The Grinch. LOL But this year, there has been a shift in one’s consciousness, and one is positively bubbling over with anticipation at the delights that the season has to offer. How can this be, asks the curious Lady G? Has Mystic Marie seen the light???!!!!
Mystic Marie/Lady M has ‘caught’ the bug from the Honourable Lady G … YASSSAAASSSSAAASSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow!!! Now that’s powerful! How kind of you to say that! You are so sweet my friend 🙂
Lady M, you know, I was very close to my mom and I MISS her sooooo much during this time of year.
That said, it’s pretty easy for me to get a little down but I had to realize that my children need me and I need me so I have to be fully available!
So, with that, I say, “Christmas!!! YAASSSSSSSS!!!!”
God bless you love! 💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
A great story…we’ll see part two soon?!
Steve
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am pleased that you liked this Steve. Part 2 will be here sooner than you think. Watch this space!
LikeLike
Hi Marie,
Yes, it’s tough when people turn on us. It’s a good reminder to keep our good character even when others don’t. We don’t live in a perfect world.
Thank you,
Gary
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Gary, you are absolutely right. Thanks for commenting. Always good to hear from you. Thank you so much.
LikeLike
Do you aspire to write professionally…and/or to reach an ever-widening audience…because, I have to tell you–not to tell you what to do–you have the talent for writing best-selling offerings…this is just spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
WOW!!!! You are really spoiling me, *she says* having a ferrer roche moment! (That spelling’s a bit dodgy).
You are a generous soul, as are many that have commented here, and I truly (!) want you to plug me – no!! Just kidding! :)))))
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just call it like I see it….you’ve got the “it” factor…. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww you are a sweetheart! How do you want to be paid? Cash, bank transfer, brown envelope ? haahahahaha
LikeLiked by 1 person