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Anna Waldherr, anxiety, approval, avoicereclaimed, chaos, clutter, comfort, grief, loss, love, making sense of, procratination, self-sabotage, survival
Once again Anna, you have given us a clear, compassionate and sensitive view on the ways in which abuse affects the lives of survivors. I don’t personally believe that procrastination affects only those of us who have been abused because it is something that can be present in the lives of everyone to some extent. But here we are talking about how chaos affects those of us who have experienced severe and traumatic abuse and how procrastination manifests itself in a way that makes a survivor’s life even more difficult than it already is.
As Anna Waldherr says: “In the aftermath of emotional abuse, victims may try desperately to be perfect — at home, at school, at work — in the hope of winning the approval denied us as children. Of course, we should not have to “win” love at all. It should be freely given, certainly to children. As for procrastination, the longer we put off a task, the greater the likelihood we will fail to complete it “perfectly”, perhaps fail to complete it at all”.
Entwined Geminis, Safavid Dynasty, Persia (c. 1635), Author Unknown, Source pinterest.com (PD)
This post was written in collaboration with Marie Williams whose remarks are highlighted. Marie blogs at Come Fly with Me, https://mariewilliams53.wordpress.com.
“Most of my life has been spent circling or avoiding important things that I need to do and I get very frustrated with myself. Sometimes, I find myself trying to locate passports or important papers at the 11th hour, when I’ve had ample time to deal with matters like this.”
-Marie Williams
Procrastination and perfectionism are patterns of behavior well familiar to abuse victims, twin destructive forces that have deep meaning for those who have suffered abuse.
We invest the necessary (the “shoulds” and “musts” of life) with the power to annihilate us, or at least demolish the fragile image we have of ourselves. Then we defer, delay, and defer again – certain that we will…
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ComeFlywithme 
Anna, as always, it is a privilege to make a contribution to the very valuable and necessary work you do in helping survivors of abuse heal. I don’t think you will ever really know how much healing you have brought to my life through your blog – thank you.
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Thank you for the reblog. Thank you for the collaboration. And thank you for being the woman you are. ❤
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🙂 ❤❤
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Thank you Marie for sharing this with Anna. I look forward to the next part. 💛
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Thank you Val for reading. It was a pleasure to collaborate with Anna. 💛
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Well, this is a genius way to present this very important issue. I look forward to reading the one on perfectionism. Though I’m not the victim of abuse, I believe my abandonment issues contributed to needing to be perfect in every way possible.
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Thank you Kathy. Anna Waldherr is quite an expert in this field. I am sure that abandonment issues contribute to the need to feel that being ‘perfect’ is absolutely necessary – and of course that is simply untrue.
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Child abuse or rape happens only among humans. In the animal world such horrors do not happen.
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This is true Nathaswami. All we can do is try to eradicate these horrors by speaking up and out about them in the hope that we can prevent the frequency of these crimes happening so that lives can be lived fully and without the crippling effects of abuse. Thank you for commenting.
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A great collaboration between you and Anna Marie, And its an important read in understanding the effects our young childhood experiences have had upon us that we carry long into adulthood..
Working upon my own self I see why in adult years I would rarely say no to those around me, taking on far too much especially in my working roles.. Seeking approval.. Looking back when stripping the layers of baggage we carry, I understood it was built from my need of seeking approval from my Mother..
And I look forward to reading your next episode Marie.
Love and Hope you are well, xxx
Hugs Sue ❤
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Thank you so much Sue. I think Anna has done a marvellous job unpacking how procrastination affects lives. Often we have no idea why we behave in a certain way and are frustrated and upset by this. Once we know how certain things in childhood impact our adult lives it gives us a sense of knowledge and strength and we can use the understanding as a platform to move on and move forward. If we don’t, we may continue to go round and round in circles repeating the same behaviours and never really living a full and authentic life, which is what most of us want isn’t it?
Thank you so much for your comments which are always so relevant and thoughtful.
Love to you too..❤ xxx
(And yes, I am very well and very happy – and I wish the same for you).
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Good to know all is well with you Marie.. Stay loved, Be Happy, And enjoy Peace… xxx
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:)❤ ❤ ❤
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Hi Marie,
i know it has been awhile since I commented. I haven’t forgotten you. I have just been caught up in so much lately. I have been thinking of you and glad that you popped up. I wanted to say, “Hello and hope you are doing well”.
I need to catch up with your blog. I saw the latest entry was a part II, so I immediately went to part I.
I can really identify with the procrastination part so well. I am actually doing that right now. I was supposed to be writing critiques on the members of my writing groups submissions submissions. I had all week to do that and am doing it now at the last minute.
That is just one example. I do it with just about everything, most of the time, I don’t even do what needs to be done. I am forcing myself to stick with this group to try and improve my bad habits.
I hope that little step, helps me with some of my other my complicated procrastination habits..
I am getting the impression that my therapist is getting frustrated by my lack of motivation. I don’t know how much longer she is going to see me. I want to leave the unhappy situation I find myself in, but it is just so easy to fall in the rut, where it is easier not to do anything, even though, you know you have to. It is a big step, and I still have to deal with the self confidence and financial issues.
Well I think now that it is Spring, I am hoping that will be an incentive for me.
Again, part I of this was very spot on.
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Hi Kathleen, lovely to see you here again. The thing to do is not to worry about procrastinating. We aren’t perfect beings, yet we’re always striving to be which puts huge pressure on us and personally I don’t think that is healthy for anyone. I find what works for me is to be more compassionate and kind to myself and not be too concerned about whether I’m getting it right or not. Does that really matter? No it doesn’t! The important thing is to be at peace with yourself and know that you are doing your best and that is good enough.
Therapists are there to help you sort things out in your mind and be happy with your choices. Whether they are frustrated or not is not your concern.
I’m not likely to forget a woman who has done me proud by practically reading the whole of my blog! So you are always there in my mind and I hope that Spring inspires, motivates and is healing for you. 🙂
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Thanks, as for reading the entirety of your blog, I am sure others that follow you must have done so as well. I feel if I like something or someone, I will give it my all, and I naturally would want to know as much as I can about that person, besides what you write touches me, so I am always anxious to read something new. It took me awhile to do that, but then I missed out on the new stuff and had to catch up.
I feel that I am under constant pressure, I know it is not a good or healthy habit. I try not to let that feeling take over me, but it usually does to some extent, no matter what.
I am my own worst enemy and am constantly beating myself down. I know I have to stop that mindset.
I know it doesn’t matter if I am doing something right, as long as I give it my best, and at least try.
I think my therapist has given up on me. I don’t think she sees any progress.
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The important thing here Kathleen is, do you see any progress? And I’m sure the answer to that is a resounding ‘Yes!’ However small the progress is, it cannot be denied and you are doing very well. Remember: positive attitude always! 🙂 🙂
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Yes, I hear that all the time about the positivity. It is hard to maintain that when there is so much negativity around you. I feel like an island, and the ocean around me is bad and negative.
I have made some progress, but very little steps.
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Don’t give up! 🙂 I have enough hope for both of us, and believe me, at one point in my life, I was the least hopeful person you could find.
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It’s really nice having some extra support, someone that has been there and knows what is like to feel so negative and down. I appreciate that so much. I know I have to do something to improve myself and my situation. At least Winter is over. Spring will help change my attitude and friends like you. Thanks so much for caring, sometimes knowing that someone cares hads a deep impact
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My pleasure! 🙂
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I see some, but not enough.
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I forgot to thank you for this message. It is very kind of you. I need to have that positive reinforcements, and you are a person that reminds me to be positive.
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You are welcome Kathleen! 🙂
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